My shower curtain is trying to kill me

I thought it odd that a week after receiving a “gift for good work” from my company the plastic my coveted company branded water bottle was made out of was called a “killer”. Yes, my company gave me a lame water bottle with the company name on it for doing a good job. Hey, I get a paycheck, shut up, at least I got a water bottle, except now its slowing killing me.

Now my shower curtain is also trying to kill me. Until recently the only things trying to kill me were morons that drove around here as they put on makeup, read the newspaper and wrote to their loved ones via e-mail while driving... all at the same time. Now my shower curtain has a vendetta. I can’t even get up in the morning without fearing my shower curtain. Will today be the day that it gets lucky and kills me? Will I be found in a tangled lump in the shower?

Tomatoes have wanted posters on the CDC website. Shower curtains are evil, my water bottle sneers at me each time I fill it, and oh, yeah, any moment now I’ll keel over from an invisible heart attack, the same one that killed Tim Russert (well, different heart, same issue) because the media has discovered that sometimes even if you do everything right... you still keel over. Its just that now they have to shove it in your face every chance they get. Unlike the rest of the people dying of sudden heart issues (my father included) Mr. Russert will get a televised funeral. Um, seriously, he seemed like a nice guy, but really, a televised funeral?

Ok, what next, oh yes, the lightbulbs I’m being forced to use have a low amount of mercury in them. Grand. Oh, but its not enough to hurt anyone, except for the fact that if every person in the U.S. buys 1 lightbulb, that’s 301,139,947 lightbulbs in the landfills all over the U.S. which contain 5 mg of mercury, which means there will be 1,505,699,735 mg of mercury seeping through the ground because nobody is going to dispose of those things properly because we’re lazy, and will soon all die of mercury poisoning... if our shower curtains don’t kill us first.