You may have noticed the lack or ranting during the whole ivy fiasco and that’s mainly because I can’t keep a simple thought in my head for more than... sonofa, there it goes.
Ivy lesions not draining or itching too much.
I’m barely able to walk because I now have wiichiles tendon issues in both feet, which may be worsened by the pred, but who knows. I walk like a duck and look like a 90 year old going down the stairs. Shut up or I’ll hit you with my cane if I had a cane and frankly I may be needing one. In case you don’t get it, I’ve maimed my achilles tendons while doing Wii Active, therefore I have Wiichiles. I want my name in a medical journal.
Non-stop storming has cause the structural integrity of my hair to lose all mass and float into space aka: I look like Roseanna Roseannadanna and not happy about it. I will be making a hair appointment with my wonderful stylist Katie, who will yell at me for getting the whole bobbed look instead of my normal look and how the hell do I think she can transform me back to my wonderful old hair style now that I’m all layered and have bangs that she warned me were a huge mistake. For this I pay her a lot of money and apologize a lot.
If I’m unable to walk by Wednesday I’ve vowed to call my doctor and either beg for large amounts of painkillers, a wheelchair, bed rest, or permanent disability or at the very least some physical therapy at the place where I had my thumb therapy so I can gaze upon the hunkiness of the head therapy guy. If I’m going to be in pain I may as well derive some enjoyment out of the pain, or short term disability and a cool surgical scar. Of course I can’t have anything that keeps me from my friday hair appointment, because If I’m going to be stuck in bed, I have to have cool hair and if I’m going to physical therapy, I have to have cool hair too. Recovery is dependent upon cool hair.
Watching “What not to wear” last night, only because Loki was asleep on the remote, and NOBODY moves Loki when he’s asleep. I saw absolutely NOTHING wrong with the look before they made the woman into a cheap harlot in a dress and incredibly painful high heels that I would wear if I didn’t have wiichiles, and if my legs weren’t covered in open poison ivy sores that weep. Yeah, I’m totally there except for those little things. I was also forced to watch the show about the primordeal dwarves or whatever they are called. Itty bitty people with squeeky voices. I felt sorry for them especially the 10 year old girl whose 10 year old “friends” totally didn’t stick up for her and include her in stuff, which made me want to find them and drown them. Of course I would never do that, because it would mean I’d have to get out of bed and actually chase them down and with wiichilles that aint’ happening. Besides, they’d make fun of my hair too.
Ok, where was I... last week the water main in front of our house broke and today we still have a big dirt filled hole in the street that is slowly washing away and pretty soon will suck up a car or children. I guess I have to wait for some stimulus thing before they fix my street and replace my dead lawn. I’m guessing the street will get fixed and my lawn will remain dead, just a hunch.
Ok, I’ve rambled enough, so I’ll end on this note: no matter what happens, there’s always time for ice cream, except if you are a Republican.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I've Lost the Will to Live
Its gotta be the pred, all 6 of those vile, melt in your mouth steroid things that are coursing through my body at this moment to stop this ghastly poison ivy itch and give me a huge forehead and make me ineligible to play professional baseball.
Yes, I woke up this morning, rinsed off all the calamine spots and hauled my spotted butt (actually, about the only thing not affected by the poison ivy) to a Minute Clinic, conveniently located not anywhere near where I live because apparently the one near where I live isn’t there any more, even though they built a nice room for it and that’s where I went for some other incredibly badly timed whatever it was give me drugs moments.
The doctor laughed at me while pouring alcohol on everything I touched and gave me a prescription for reducing dose of Prednisone and there I was trying to wash those shit pills down, all 6 of them. I feel bad for my dog who had to take 3 of them reducing dose when we thought he had some kind of horrible auto-immune thing, but it turned out to be JUST Lyme disease (seriously, wish for the Lyme and not the auto-immune because antibiotics takes care of the Lyme, auto-immune is not so happy)... I apologize now to Sam, I’m sorry Sam. You have every right to insist that you shove my 6 melty, foul tasting pills down my throat and blow in my nose.
Ok, so lets take stock of things:
1.) covered in oozing, itchy poison ivy lesions
2.) big honking zit on side of face
3.) Jonesing for either Chantix or a smoke
4.) Still experiencing some foul gastro-intestinal things from former lover Chantix
I am a picture of sexy right now, so what would put some icing right on that cake of ghastly, what could possibly be missing when so much is raining down on me....
why of course, the crowning glory, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top... broken tooth.
Teeth should be much stronger than frozen M&Ms. I do realize that fillings may NOT be as strong as starburst fruit chews, but teeth should be able to withstand some frozen M&Ms, especially since I was eating them one at a time, allowing them to thaw somewhat in my mouth before chewing, WTF.
Of course we don’t have the wonderful Obamacare, where I’m sure that I would be able to just get up and waltz over to one of the 24 hour, 7 days a week, 365 days a year free dental clinics he promised us and get something done about this, but no.... my dental horror is premature and I must wait... like everyone else, until Monday to make an appointment with my regular dentist and get it taken care of... spending the next few days eating on the other side and getting sick to my stomach each time I feel the gaping hole with my tongue... OH SONOFA... I think my dentist is closed on Mondays... WTF, that’s 2 days before I can even call and schedule something... where’s that wonderfully free and always available healthcare I’ve been promised???? Would you stop sending Uighur terrorists to tropical vacation spots to be towel boys and get on with that whole new free always available health care program thing so I can get my tooth fixed!!!!!
Damn, now I itch again.
Yes, I woke up this morning, rinsed off all the calamine spots and hauled my spotted butt (actually, about the only thing not affected by the poison ivy) to a Minute Clinic, conveniently located not anywhere near where I live because apparently the one near where I live isn’t there any more, even though they built a nice room for it and that’s where I went for some other incredibly badly timed whatever it was give me drugs moments.
The doctor laughed at me while pouring alcohol on everything I touched and gave me a prescription for reducing dose of Prednisone and there I was trying to wash those shit pills down, all 6 of them. I feel bad for my dog who had to take 3 of them reducing dose when we thought he had some kind of horrible auto-immune thing, but it turned out to be JUST Lyme disease (seriously, wish for the Lyme and not the auto-immune because antibiotics takes care of the Lyme, auto-immune is not so happy)... I apologize now to Sam, I’m sorry Sam. You have every right to insist that you shove my 6 melty, foul tasting pills down my throat and blow in my nose.
Ok, so lets take stock of things:
1.) covered in oozing, itchy poison ivy lesions
2.) big honking zit on side of face
3.) Jonesing for either Chantix or a smoke
4.) Still experiencing some foul gastro-intestinal things from former lover Chantix
I am a picture of sexy right now, so what would put some icing right on that cake of ghastly, what could possibly be missing when so much is raining down on me....
why of course, the crowning glory, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top... broken tooth.
Teeth should be much stronger than frozen M&Ms. I do realize that fillings may NOT be as strong as starburst fruit chews, but teeth should be able to withstand some frozen M&Ms, especially since I was eating them one at a time, allowing them to thaw somewhat in my mouth before chewing, WTF.
Of course we don’t have the wonderful Obamacare, where I’m sure that I would be able to just get up and waltz over to one of the 24 hour, 7 days a week, 365 days a year free dental clinics he promised us and get something done about this, but no.... my dental horror is premature and I must wait... like everyone else, until Monday to make an appointment with my regular dentist and get it taken care of... spending the next few days eating on the other side and getting sick to my stomach each time I feel the gaping hole with my tongue... OH SONOFA... I think my dentist is closed on Mondays... WTF, that’s 2 days before I can even call and schedule something... where’s that wonderfully free and always available healthcare I’ve been promised???? Would you stop sending Uighur terrorists to tropical vacation spots to be towel boys and get on with that whole new free always available health care program thing so I can get my tooth fixed!!!!!
Damn, now I itch again.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Are those open sores or are you just happy to see me
Oh yes, just as I expected, those vines were definitely poison ivy, either that or I’ve spontaneously broken out in leprosy. Hmmm, thrown into a nice leper colony and left alone for fear of spreading my disease to others.... ok, while tempting, if leprosy itches like poison ivy then I think I’d rather just be killed, or at the very least scratched with a rake until I bled to death. It would be the ecstasy and the agony all wrapped up into one neat bundle.
I’m slathered in some vile smelling concoction cream that screams “STOPS THE ITCH FOR UP TO 8 HOURS” on the box, but this crap has only given me, at most, a half hour of relief before I’m slathering even more on. The color is one shade of caucasian skin tone from the pink calamine crap you normally bathe in for poison ivy, which means its neon tan on my blotchy red-head skin. I look like a leper with bad body make up. I can’t wait for my client meeting tomorrow! First its iced mocha spilled in my lap, now festering sores. Oh, did I mention the huge grotesque zit on the side of my nose. I’m feeling oh so pretty!
We’re suppose to get thunder storms tonight, which means my female husky will claw me in her anxiety over the thunder. I’m actually looking forward to it, since my arms are tired from scratching my oozing skin.
I’m slathered in some vile smelling concoction cream that screams “STOPS THE ITCH FOR UP TO 8 HOURS” on the box, but this crap has only given me, at most, a half hour of relief before I’m slathering even more on. The color is one shade of caucasian skin tone from the pink calamine crap you normally bathe in for poison ivy, which means its neon tan on my blotchy red-head skin. I look like a leper with bad body make up. I can’t wait for my client meeting tomorrow! First its iced mocha spilled in my lap, now festering sores. Oh, did I mention the huge grotesque zit on the side of my nose. I’m feeling oh so pretty!
We’re suppose to get thunder storms tonight, which means my female husky will claw me in her anxiety over the thunder. I’m actually looking forward to it, since my arms are tired from scratching my oozing skin.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Gardening for neurotics
Ok, so I started with two flower beds in the front of the house that were filled with weeds and two half-dead bushes. No amount of willing it to be filled with “wildflowers” would make it less grotesque, so I ripped out the weeds and cut the half-dead bushes down to stumps.
Removing half-dead bush stumps proved too taxing after 5 minutes of trying to dig them up, so I just covered them with weed barrier and dumped 6 bags of mulch over them... not nearly enough mulch, but one interesting thing about mulch when the bag rips and it gets wet... its NASTY. Not as nasty as finding the maggot covered cat poop with my bare knee, but nasty still.
I put the decorative little wooden things around the two trees in front, but didn’t have enough mulch to put in the decorative little wooden things, so it looks like gardening done by a moron (namely me).
I’m pretty sure the vine thing growing between my edge of property and along the stupid worthless picket fence thing the crappy neighbors have allowed to gone to shit is actually poison ivy, and it really didn’t want to come out of the ground when I pulled it, nor did its vines want to be cute with the sewing scissors I brought out (because my poisonous vine cutters are in the storage room where they were used to cut up about 500lbs of styrofoam from various and sundry empty computer boxes that we were paying $165.00 a month to store... we’re taking care of that, so shut up).
Anyhoo, it was after I had ripped the probably poison ivy out of the ground and in the process rubbing it over my entire body except for the part covered in cat poop and maggots that I realized that crappy neighbor’s trees were leaning into my yard directly over my heat pump.
Crappy neighbors seemed nice enough when they moved in, but much like fish... went sour really quick when apparently they didn’t realize that homeownership requires maintenance. The first to go was the in ground pool, which they didn’t take care of and soon the liner ripped. To solve that problem, they proceeded to dump fill dirt filled with rocks into it. I think what they were aiming for was to just fill it in, but apparently had no clue that it would take half of the earth to fill in, so they gave up about 1/3 filled. In another brilliant move, they felt that since it was 1/3 filled with crappy dirt, they could just rake their leaves into it. That coupled with a good downpour or twenty created mosquito heaven. So they covered it and pretended it wasn’t there.
About 2 months ago a “pod” showed up on the driveway, and sporadically we see them carrying things out, so the pod, the fact that they haven’t mowed their grass since spring (3 months ago) and nobody ever around makes us think that they’ve foreclosed or just ran away. In the meantime we have a little amazon jungle growing next door, complete with malaria pool, and large trees sprouting right next to our fence. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.
Now, I didn’t trespass at all, in the sense that not one part of my body set foot or otherwise on their property. I don’t consider leaning over their fence on a ladder and sawing half of their tree down trespassing, but I do consider half a tree leaning into my yard and pressing against my fence a bit of an issue.
I do hope they come by to pick up more of their junk tomorrow. They might even think “hey, that looks like half of my tree neatly cut into a pile laying on our neighbor’s curb (if we had a fucking curb, cheap ass county and their $2.4 million in recycling and we don’t have a curb or a fricken street light)
I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be bitching about being covered in open sores.
Removing half-dead bush stumps proved too taxing after 5 minutes of trying to dig them up, so I just covered them with weed barrier and dumped 6 bags of mulch over them... not nearly enough mulch, but one interesting thing about mulch when the bag rips and it gets wet... its NASTY. Not as nasty as finding the maggot covered cat poop with my bare knee, but nasty still.
I put the decorative little wooden things around the two trees in front, but didn’t have enough mulch to put in the decorative little wooden things, so it looks like gardening done by a moron (namely me).
I’m pretty sure the vine thing growing between my edge of property and along the stupid worthless picket fence thing the crappy neighbors have allowed to gone to shit is actually poison ivy, and it really didn’t want to come out of the ground when I pulled it, nor did its vines want to be cute with the sewing scissors I brought out (because my poisonous vine cutters are in the storage room where they were used to cut up about 500lbs of styrofoam from various and sundry empty computer boxes that we were paying $165.00 a month to store... we’re taking care of that, so shut up).
Anyhoo, it was after I had ripped the probably poison ivy out of the ground and in the process rubbing it over my entire body except for the part covered in cat poop and maggots that I realized that crappy neighbor’s trees were leaning into my yard directly over my heat pump.
Crappy neighbors seemed nice enough when they moved in, but much like fish... went sour really quick when apparently they didn’t realize that homeownership requires maintenance. The first to go was the in ground pool, which they didn’t take care of and soon the liner ripped. To solve that problem, they proceeded to dump fill dirt filled with rocks into it. I think what they were aiming for was to just fill it in, but apparently had no clue that it would take half of the earth to fill in, so they gave up about 1/3 filled. In another brilliant move, they felt that since it was 1/3 filled with crappy dirt, they could just rake their leaves into it. That coupled with a good downpour or twenty created mosquito heaven. So they covered it and pretended it wasn’t there.
About 2 months ago a “pod” showed up on the driveway, and sporadically we see them carrying things out, so the pod, the fact that they haven’t mowed their grass since spring (3 months ago) and nobody ever around makes us think that they’ve foreclosed or just ran away. In the meantime we have a little amazon jungle growing next door, complete with malaria pool, and large trees sprouting right next to our fence. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.
Now, I didn’t trespass at all, in the sense that not one part of my body set foot or otherwise on their property. I don’t consider leaning over their fence on a ladder and sawing half of their tree down trespassing, but I do consider half a tree leaning into my yard and pressing against my fence a bit of an issue.
I do hope they come by to pick up more of their junk tomorrow. They might even think “hey, that looks like half of my tree neatly cut into a pile laying on our neighbor’s curb (if we had a fucking curb, cheap ass county and their $2.4 million in recycling and we don’t have a curb or a fricken street light)
I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be bitching about being covered in open sores.
Dear Chantix
Its been 67 days since I had a smoke.... oh glorious nicotine, how I miss you, and a decent dream that didn’t involve something stupid like Kinkajou herding in a suit of armor, or raining peeps (which seems like a fun thing until the fuckers start melting all over your car, then what are you gonna do), and I tried going off of you after day 60, because seriously how hard should it be to kick a 20 year habit and by then I would think that my body would have oozed out all of the nicotine from my system already, but NOOOOO.
I started craving yesterday and getting all antsy (which is a nice way of saying pissy and wanting to kill people), so back at the pills I go as of this morning. I was just getting use to not having strange dreams and being able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, but then again I did start crying at little things, like running out of pimento dip or having to put dishes in the dishwasher.
I tried something called “Rescue Remedy” which is touted as a natural sedative for dog anxiety, but in human form, and I did intend to give it to my dog during thunderstorms to keep her from panting and clawing me bloody, but since that didn’t work I figured I’d just take it and not care that she was panting and clawing me bloody, but it only lasts for a half hour at best and then I was back to wanting to strangle people and crying over Scooter Store commercials.
I find it ironic that someone on Facebook suggested I go to the vet and get some Xanax for my dog to calm her during thunderstorms, and frankly that was pretty much the last straw for me as far as life and my expensive medical plan goes. If I can just walk into a vet and get Xanax for my dog when I can’t even get my personal physician to prescribe some for me no matter how manic depressive I act when I go in there, then the world is so totally screwed up that I can’t even begin to fit in anywhere.
So, dear Chantix, I will renew my prescription AGAIN and keep taking you, even with the stupid dreams and the messed up gastro-intestinal fest, until such time that I can find a licensed physician to prescribe me something to “take the edge off” of life or the next election, whichever comes first.
I started craving yesterday and getting all antsy (which is a nice way of saying pissy and wanting to kill people), so back at the pills I go as of this morning. I was just getting use to not having strange dreams and being able to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, but then again I did start crying at little things, like running out of pimento dip or having to put dishes in the dishwasher.
I tried something called “Rescue Remedy” which is touted as a natural sedative for dog anxiety, but in human form, and I did intend to give it to my dog during thunderstorms to keep her from panting and clawing me bloody, but since that didn’t work I figured I’d just take it and not care that she was panting and clawing me bloody, but it only lasts for a half hour at best and then I was back to wanting to strangle people and crying over Scooter Store commercials.
I find it ironic that someone on Facebook suggested I go to the vet and get some Xanax for my dog to calm her during thunderstorms, and frankly that was pretty much the last straw for me as far as life and my expensive medical plan goes. If I can just walk into a vet and get Xanax for my dog when I can’t even get my personal physician to prescribe some for me no matter how manic depressive I act when I go in there, then the world is so totally screwed up that I can’t even begin to fit in anywhere.
So, dear Chantix, I will renew my prescription AGAIN and keep taking you, even with the stupid dreams and the messed up gastro-intestinal fest, until such time that I can find a licensed physician to prescribe me something to “take the edge off” of life or the next election, whichever comes first.
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