Dear Mars corporation,

I'm writing to you in regard to your recent decision to stop producing king sized bars of chocolate.

As a consumer, I want gigantic bars of chocolate.  I've noticed, with much disdain, as chocolate bars have gotten smaller through the years while the price remains the same or increases.  We've noticed it, you didn't fool us for one second.  We're not stupid... But apparently you agree with the government and do think we are stupid.  We're so stupid that we just buy as many king sized bars of chocolate and shove them into our mouths until we're so fat that fire men have to use a crane to remove us from our houses.  We are so stupid that we could never figure out that when king sized chocolate bars are no longer available, we can just buy two candy bars and shove them into our mouths and bloat up to the size of small sheds.  The only people who are hurt by this move are the poor.  Why do you hate the poor?  The poor should be able to weigh 500lbs if they want, it's their right to be obese.  Why should only rich people be able to waddle into a store and drive those carts around stocking that little attached basket with mounds of chocolate?


From a person that has a retirement plan that most likely has your stock in my portfolio, I have to say: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?

If you had announced that you were ceasing the production of the king sized bars because people are more health conscious and aren't buying as many, therefore it is not profitable to make them anymore, I'd applaud your shrewd business savvy.   But your excuse for discontinuing them is because you claim that "Mars has a broad-based commitment to health and nutrition, and this includes a number of global initiatives,"  HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!  Seriously?  YOU MAKE CANDY!!!


You aren't a health department.
You aren't in the business to make people healthy
You make chocolate, good chocolate, tasty chocolate, and to keep your consumers and share holders happy
AND NONE OF US ARE HAPPY!

Make good candy, make good profits, and flourish, because when it's time to bail your sorry asses out, there won't be any money left, and we’ll all be eating Hershey's.

The Tuna Rant

All right everyone, pull up your pants and get ready for a "when I was a kid" rant about tuna.

When I was a kid, canned tuna was chock full of big meaty tuna pieces with a little bit of water (or oil, if you were one of those that preferred the oil).  You would plop out a huge glop of tuna meat, add half a container of mayo (Helmans... none of that Miracle Whip crap), and make the entire family a freakin tuna sandwich.  Half the time there was enough left to feed some homeless feral cats and most of a high school football team.

Hard to believe that such a tiny little can of tuna could provide that much tuna, but it did, and the tuna was delicious, and it was chunky, and it was plentiful.  I'm pretty sure you could feed a whole impoverished country with one can of tuna back then, it was just that good.

Now look at it!  You open up a can of tuna and its nothing but a bunch of glop in water (or oil if they even make it in oil, since oil is probably the major cause of obesity or death or something), its the consistency of the hair that gets stuck in your bathtub drain and sits there for about 6 months because you are either too lazy or didn't even realize you had 6 pounds of congealed hair in your drain until the water wouldn't drain and then you are left with a handful of slimey nasty crap that you could just as well slop onto a slice of bread and have a much better sandwich than the gooey crap in that tuna can... it doesn't even smell fishy anymore (the tuna, not the hair). 

Its so gooey and nasty and chunkless that adding ANY mayo into the goop makes it even goopier and nastier, and then try spreading that crap on bread, it just sucks the goo right up!  You can barely even make one sandwich out of that mess, and even then its like eating two slices of bread that have been soaked in a neglected aquarium.

What the hell happened to canned tuna?  I vaguely remember some sort of hoopla over the whole catching dolphins in the nets by mistake and since dolphins are cute and apparently as smart as humans (but apparently not so smart that they can't swim around a fricken tuna net, or have the wherewithal to carry a pocket knife to free themselves if they found themselves in a stupid net and before you point out that dolphins don't have pockets, I'll trump that with "oh yeah, what about that stupid blow hole thing?") and shortly after that, tuna started to suck, which leads me to this horrific thought:

What if all of this time we weren't eating tuna, we were actually eating FLIPPER!!!!

Um, frankly, I say we need to start Flipper farming because this real tuna stuff totally sucks.