Procrastination, its an art form

Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to blog all about the whole quitting smoking thing, but apparently one of the gifts of Chantix is a raging “I don’t give a crap about anything” attitude, which includes housework, breathing, that sort of thing.

I’m a professional procrastinator by trade, but I was a worrying procrastinator. I wouldn’t do something on my list, then I would worry about it, berate myself privately (in my head... sometimes) about not getting something simple done and vowing to do it the next day, then repeat.

The wonders of Chantix have apparently freed me from the grip of worry. Now I seriously don’t give a rat’s ass if stuff gets done or not. Whatever, F it. This would probably explain why I agreed to get a Wii Fit and other Wii gear today. Well, that and I feel like a big bloated toad and ever since hubby quit smoking he’s gained a few suit sizes. What better way to lose weight than playing games in your house. Also good for relieving stress so you aren’t tempted to strangle the dry cleaning lady who asks three times what kind of starch you want in the shirts... really, how loud must I scream?

Part of the issue with me at the moment seems to be a feeling of fullness, and simply put, thanks to another beautious side effect of Chantix, I can’t remember the last time I poo’d. Guess I should have thrown a TMI warning in front of that, but hey, deal with it because remember... I don’t care.

So, yeah, I figure that any day now I’ll explode or perforate a bowel or something, but hey... I’m not smoking, so whoot! Frankly, I’m quite pleased that I have the trifecta or whatever of common symptoms and relieved I don’t have the last one because frankly I would do whatever it takes NOT to puke.

Anyhoo, it was off to my favorite place, Target, to get the Wii Fit thing, because they didn’t have any at the local Buy More (aka Best Buy in case you aren’t a “Chuck” geek), and that’s where hubby had reserved all of the other stuff... but they were out of the Fit, so I trudged to Target.

Another lovely symptom that isn’t listed on the Chantix list of crap you’ll suffer through to become a non-smoker is the “distracted by shiny objects” symptom. I’m actually quite dangerous on the road on this crap because I’m ALL OVER THE PLACE except on the road looking at pretty things, staring at buzzards (who circle me wherever I go... such smart birds), and in the Wii aisle of Target I was mesmerized by the Wii video... so much so that a Target salesperson actually noticed me and approached me... I must have been standing there for hours.

Once again, the Chantix was a talking when he asked if I needed anything and I said something like “well, duh” and pointed at the Wii Fit and I also threw in the Gold’s Gym sure to give you a cardiac workout thing while babbling something about gum. He rang me up quickly and then told me to have fun, to which my automatic response was... with anything that everyone says to me... “You too!”
Have a nice trip! YOU TOO!!!!! Even though your a travel agent and not going anywhere, I’m not a moron at all, YOU TOO!!! I skipped away from the counter, set off the alarm at the door, did a big graceful bow while holding my receipt high into the air and skipped out into the parking lot, only to realize that I had no idea where I parked. Have I mentioned that I’m a mess lately?

Met hubby at the Buy More, got the rest of the stuff, and then I was hit with the uncontrollable need for guacamole, so hubby went off for sushi, I hit Baja Fresh and got steak quesadillas with extra guacamole. As I was driving home, I was holding the guacamole container in the hand that I was steering with and using my free hand to dip chips into it... just as a commercial came on telling teens not to text or talk or do anything while they are driving and that parents should set a good example as well... which is why I don’t have kids or if I did they’d be dead by now.

So generally, that’s an update on the whole stop smoking thing, which took me roughly 3 hours to type up because I kept getting distracted by shiny piece of paper and string.

Oh You Beautiful Dreamer

I have to say that I totally enjoy the Chantix warnings I receive both personally and on the blog. I love all of the first hand, second hand, third hand, heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who.... oh, sorry for the REO Speedwagon lapse there.

Unfortunately I haven’t experienced any psychotic episodes, sleep driving, attempts to smother my husband while he sleeps or any of the other things that others have warned me of and frankly... I’m really disappointed! I mean come on, I pay a buttload of money a month for high end health insurance and if I’m going to get a nice prescription drug I want some side effects, so I say BRING IT ON!!!

About all I’ve had is bloating and gas, which is inconvenient, but I do say that the doubled-over stomach cramps do come in handy as I used it today when a co-worker was all like “did you lose a contact, why are you doubled over?” and I told him that the ER said is was a burst appendix or something, but I knew how much he wanted that stupid document finished, so I came in anyway, then farted and walked away.

I do enjoy the vivid dreams, although last night’s installment included a dream I keep having (for some odd reason and if anyone has any ideas, please post them in the comments) where I’m someplace and no matter what bathroom I go to, all of the toilets are malfunctioning in some heinous way. Typically the dream ends with me frantically running to the next toilet with a bursting bladder, but last night’s episode ended with me peeing on a couch. No idea what’s up with that.

The second vivid dream was that hubby and I were on vacation with our penguin. Yep, went to Florida or someplace warm with our trained penguin and we enjoyed the beaches and stuff, but when the penguin and I jumped into the pool, the penguin facade washed off and it was a pug, who apparently couldn’t swim. I saved it. Once again... no clue on that one.

I have noticed another fun festive side effect and that’s the attention span of a 2 year old, but seriously... I think I was like that before Chantix, so maybe it just enhances it because I can have some seriously cool daydreams going on, except that they too are very disjointed and weird, like when my dogs roll over on the remote control and the DirecTV goes nuts.

At one point today I knew perfectly well that it was Tuesday but for about 10 minutes thought it was actually Wednesday and was so happy that I planned to do stuff Thursday and got excited that tomorrow was Thursday, but tomorrow is actually Wednesday and if I had a lighter with me I would have set myself aflame. Oh, and my face is breaking out, but I’m blaming the new Almay junk I bought or it could be the stupid grapefruit soap gel junk from Costco, regardless, it probably has nothing to do with quitting smoking and my picking at my face like a junkie withdrawing from heroin.

Hiccups seem to be an annoying thing. Got those with the ass lozenges, but they are continuing on the Chantix. I’m thinking its from the wads of gum that I chew to keep from picking at my face and twitching. At this point I’ve experienced every type of annoying and disgusting bodily function except crapping myself and I figure that’s only a matter of time.

Oh, then there’s the procrastination thing... ok, shut up, yes I did that BEFORE Chantix, but how am I suppose to get enough class action lawsuit evidence if you keep ratting me out.

Chantix, I love you

If I wasn’t spayed I’d certainly offer to have Chantix’s babies. Heck I could also be doing that surrogate thing and just selling babies for money. I should have considered that before I had the doctor take a melon baller to my reproductive organs. Who knew that human puppy mills would be the rage new “at home” business.

As you can see, this won’t be a whole rant about sucking ass lozenges, as I’m no longer doing that. Nope, I’m polluting my kidneys with the lovely Chantix (which doesn’t pain me so), and am only feeling a tad bit anxious on it.

The morning that I started, I’m glad I had it because I woke up and my mouth tasted as though someone had poured an entire container of celery salt in my mouth. SERIOUSLY, it was the most foul taste I’ve ever tasted (well, actually, now that you mention it, there are a few others) but for no reason waking up and tasting like celery salt... so totally vile and wrong.

I haven’t had too many issues with the Chantix yet, although I did clear the room the other day, but it was only my husband, so that doesn’t count. The dogs haven’t tried to roll on me like a dead thing, so I think I’ll be manageable this time around. I am snacking, so we went to Costco and bought tasty but non fattening things that we’ll end up eating entire containers of, thus defeating the whole non-fattening aspect of them. So far I’ve become addicted to the fruit chew things that are nice and gooey, but not AS chewy as gummi bears, and aren’t AS laden in sugar as gummi bears. We also bought some fruit... in the form of banana nut muffins, and nuts... in the form of some form of pecan muffins. Ok, we bought apples and pears too, so shut up. I also bought the big bulk thing of Orbit (dirty mouth... you betcha).

I have started having pretty vivid dreams, but nothing like killing or maiming people. So far there was the one where I lost one of our dogs, but found her (she was following someone that had food) and then there was the one where I got a $300 bill for driving drunk, but I didn’t drive drunk, so I woke up exhausted from screaming at DMV. Can’t wait for tonight’s episodes!!!

What with all this quitting things I don’t actually need in my life, I’m going through a phase where I’m all like “hmmm, what else can I dump?” So I’m doing some soul searching, and some very major procrastination, and avoidance techniques to see what I do now, that I won’t do for a while, and if I can just stop doing it and nobody notices, then I’ll just not do it at all anymore. I’m very excited about this “soul cleansing” thing, as I do a whole bunch of stuff that takes up a LOT of my time and leaves me hardly any time to cartoon, write (as in serious writing, but not writing seriously, you know serious things, except for general political rants about stupidity... note to self, explaining stuff is something I need to stop doing as it wastes time), so yeah, I’m doing a mental yard sale, where none of the crap I give up will get me any money, but it will leave me time to do the things that I can make money from, and frankly, that’s what I’m all about from now on... you can send me a check for this post as soon as you’re done reading it... just kidding.... sorta.

Oh, and I felt so good and motivated and all that crap this morning, that I bathed Meeshka... see her blog for the gory details... well, wait an hour, she hasn’t posted it yet.

Lozenges: Day 5,000,495,295

Subtitle: blech

Ok, its only been two days on the lozenges and I just have to say, in case I wasn’t clear about it yesterday: ASS THEY TASTE LIKE ASS... but oddly I’m getting use to sucking ass and sometimes it seems bearable, but other times I want to throw myself out of a window, but I work on the 2nd floor, so that would only be prolonging the pain unless a cute ambulance guy offers me a smoke on the way to the ER. I guess I could ask for a 12 week coma, then wake up refreshed and smoke-free. Why isn’t that offered as a choice for quitting?

Bright and early the moment I got into the office and spewed out the foul lozenge so I could drink coffee I dialed my doctor’s office and asked, nay, BEGGED for a Chantix prescription. I even spelled out “tastes like butt” to the woman taking the message so my doctor would know A.) it was actually me calling, and B.) it wasn’t a cruel april fools joke that I was quitting and needed some serious pill action. (Note: as of 3pm no prescription called in, so either there were stupid sick people in front of my request, or I need to call again when its not april fools).

Like a trooper, I continued to pop these vile things all day and kept harassing the pharmacy people with increasingly irate phone calls asking if my prescription was called in. By the time I left for work I was cursing every driver in front of me (since I live in Maryland, all cursing was for a valid reason as it was starting to rain, and every time water falls from the sky here in Maryland, the drivers go insane).

I think part of the problem I’m having is that I’m not a sucking type of person. I don’t like life savers, tic tacs or even gum for that matter. I attribute a lot of this to my childhood when my mother left me in the car while she ran into a drugstore for something. Those were the good ol days when you could willy nilly leave your kids in the car without fear of child rapists swooping by and stealing us, or gypsies... gypsies were the people my parents always threatened to give me to, but they never made good on that promise. Ok, back to being in the car alone, except alone means with my sister, and frankly that’s about as good as being alone as she’s a little bit... touched in the head. Ok, back to the reason why I don’t suck on hard candy, and that’s because I totally inhaled a stupid lifesaver candy and nearly died. Nearly died as in I couldn’t breathe for a bit, choked and hacked it up. Another reason why you can’t leave your kids in the car, especially with hard candy or weapons, I just ruined it for everyone. Of course had I died it would have taught my mom a valuable lesson in that if you leave small children in the car with hard candy they may die and are worthless bartering tools for gypsies.

So, being forced (on a timeline) to suck these stupid ass tasting things without chewing them is practically forcing me to relive the horrible drug store episode where I nearly died alone (remember, sister is a zucchini in the head, I would have stood a better chance with an untrained beagle giving me the Heimlich). Ok, I don’t relive my near-death-experience thing, I just hate sucking on things that slowly melt in your mouth and leave a goopy film on your teeth especially when they taste like ass, and apparently give you the hiccups.

For those of you who are saying “how do you know what ass tastes like” I say... oh come on! Like you don’t know?