Lozenges: Day One

Subtitled: OHMYGAWDSHOOTMEKILLMENOWOHTHEPAINTHEPAINMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP!!!

Also Subtitled: I suffer so maybe you don’t have to

To be honest, although I’ve smoked for... a long time, I actually tried to quit a year ago using that FABulous Chantix pill thing. Hubby used Chantix and didn’t experience any of the following side effects:

murdering people on a whim
vivid dreams that actually turn into reality as you murder people on a whim
bend over doubled into a U from the horrible stomach pain
uncontrollably diarrhea
room clearing gas

Ok, those really aren’t the side effects, here are the REAL side effects:
* Nausea (30%)
* Sleep problems (trouble sleeping, changes in dreaming)
* Constipation
* Gas
* Vomiting

Ok, and there is that class action lawsuit about people killing other people or committing suicide or driving off the side of a road and wiping out a small school of children, but you know how those class action suits are.

Hubby didn’t have any of these, and he hasn’t smoked in a year (except once or twice when it was take a puff or punch someone in the face).

I, on the other hand, experienced only the horrible gastro-intestinal fun festive side effects, to such a point that co-workers that had begged me to quit smoking were actually buying me smokes and asking me to stop the Chantix. Constipation was not the issue, quite the opposite, more like uncontrollable... well, I’m sure you get the picture.

Granted, I didn’t take all of the pills that I should have, and I did manage to be smoke free for about three months, then lapsed. I should have gone back on Chantix, but hey, I was having too much fun not crapping my pants.

So, here we are a year later. Once I did start smoking again I totally did cut WAY down... not WAY down like I use to tell my doctor WAY down when I didn’t cut down, but seriously WAY down than what I use to smoke.

Day 1 of the Commit lozenges.

As usual, I get in the truck to drive to work sucking on the very tasty Cappuccino lozenge. Its almost as if you are in Willy Wonka’s factory and are actually drinking a cappuccino... if cappuccino came in pill form and tasted like ass. What to do with my hands. Normally I’m holding a smoke, so I felt a bit at a loss as to what to do with my right hand... other than hold the steering wheel at the 2pm position. Hey, I’ll drive and play mahjong on my phone. Ok, I didn’t, and I also didn’t text while I drove either, because I’m pretty sure that’s against the law.... right.

The instructions say “don’t drink or eat anything 15 minutes before popping a lozenge, or while lozenge is in your mouth, let it dissolve in your mouth, moving it from side to side occasionally, and minimize swallowing. Lozenge will dissolve in about 30 minutes”

There are several issues with this:
1.) It took an hour for my first one to dissolve, which meant I was at work and I was still sucking on the stupid thing.
2.) don’t eat and drink 15 minutes prior? That TOTALLY freaking messes with my whole morning coffee routine!
3.) minimize swallowing? How many times does the average person swallow so I can “minimize” it and frankly anything that tells you not to do something, you immediately become hyper-aware and that’s all you want to do.

I totally spit out the thing the moment I got in my office so I could drink my coffee. Two hours later when it was time for another, I had to stop drinking my coffee and wait 15 minutes... this is damned inconvenient I tell you. Totally screws with your whole ebb and flow of the day. By lozenge #2 I was ready to cut my losses and try the patch again, or even the gum (although I heard that with the gum you aren’t even suppose to chew the gum... THAT’S NOT GUM), or even call my doctor and ask for another Chantix RX.

Lozenge #2 was the Cherry flavor, if you call Cherry a fruity acid burning sensation on your cheek and gums that tastes like ass. Its around this time that I developed the hiccups from hell. Once again, it takes over an hour for the stupid thing to dissolve and I’m wondering if I have some sort of salivary issue. There’s also the whole timing thing again with the eating and drinking, and also if I’m suppose to pop one every 1-2 hours, does that 1-2 hours start when I pop it in my mouth, or after the stupid thing dissolves? I was having more stress dealing with these burning questions (as well as the acid burning sensation in my cheek) than wanting a smoke. After 45 minutes of the thing festering in my mouth (no doubt rotting my teeth in the process) I spit it out.

As I gazed at lozenge #3, I yearned for the days of doubled over stomach pains and diarrhea. I mean at least I was losing some weight on Chantix, and frankly my new office IS closer to a bathroom and all. There is also the patch thing, which was fun as long as you liked having your skin bubble up and ooze when you took off the patches. Frankly, if I was suppose to suck one of these things every 2 hours for 6 weeks, that actually meant that I had a 1 hour timeframe between lozenges to eat or drink and would virtually waste away to nothing or worse, since it was seriously curtailing my coffee and latte drinkability time. Had about 3 rounds of painful hiccups during and after that one.

By lozenge 4 I was so sick of cherry flavored ass that I almost picked up the phone and called my doctor to beg for chantix prescription... but since I shelled out $40 for these gawd-awful acid ass tasting things... I stopped myself.

Lozenge #5 on the way home from work was one of the cappuccino ones and I totally spit it out as I drove after only about 20 minutes. I’m pretty much convinced that there’s nothing in these things to help you stop smoking, its just that its so vile and nasty tasting, rotting your teeth horrible that its like aversion training.

Lozenge #6 before dinner, and I’m almost getting use to the vile film it leaves in your mouth during and after it finally freaking melts. I have the distinct feeling that I look like those people that chew tobacco and will probably end up with mouth cancer or something now.

Lozenge #7 after I ate and frankly I almost went to bed early just so I wouldn’t have to suck on this horrible concoction of ground coffee faux creamer tasting cappuccino monstrosity that has now given me horrible gas... how odd. Is there nothing that WON’T give me horrible gas? Thanks for the gas genes dad! Honestly, I had the gas BEFORE I ate fajitas.

So, that’s day one. I’m 2 lozenges behind the recommended 9 per day thing, but there is totally nothing in this world that would compel me to stay up any later than I have to JUST to suck 2 more of these things.

I’m going to seriously contemplate calling my doctor tomorrow and asking for a chantix prescription. I can’t have these stupid lozenges disrupting the only thing in my life that makes me somewhat happy (coffee and latte) and frankly if I have to, we’ll put one of those rear view mirror deodorizer things in my pants if I need to if it means unlimited amounts of coffee and not sucking cherry ass any more. Besides, Chantix is covered under my medical plan and frankly if I’m paying a zillion dollars a month for health care, I’m going to suck everything I can from my plan.