My First 2010 Rant

First of all, I would like to announce that I will be pronouncing it Twenty-Ten, just because Two Thousand Ten has more syllables and is annoying. That doesn’t mean that I will mock you if you decide to go with Two Thousand Ten, but others may, so be warned.

Speaking of annoying, I would like to ask that our new Government Health Care system include therapy for those of us who are scared shitless by opening those annoying popping crescent roll containers. Oh you know which ones I’m talking about, and I’m sure the Pillsbury people that load those suckers do so while giggling and picturing people losing fingers or crapping their pants when they somehow make it explode like an errant IED, globs of dough spraying all over. To the butthead that sucked the air out of the “Grands” roll to create a lethal weapon that I opened the other day... YOU SUCK! (btw, that tale about the exploding roll can and the woman “holding her brains” is an urban legend... sorry to burst your bubble)

On another annoying fronts, I’m intrigued by the saga of the Asian Carp. Apparently these are the big fish that are taking over the world and love to leap out of the water and attack people on boats. There’s a war being waged to keep them from swimming up the Mississippi (and yes, I still do that grade school thing to spell that state correctly, so do you and you probably also do that whole knuckles on what month have 31 days thing, so shut up) because they will eat the other fish out of house and home and food.

But if you read the article, it seems that that’s not the only reason why they “aren’t good”. They have small mouths and don’t like to eat worms on hooks, therefore they’ll kill the recreational fishing industry (those who sell worms and fishing licenses because the damn things just jump in boats on their own). This has caused Federal and State officials to do whatever they can to keep the migrating fish from going any farther. Um, we can’t keep illegals out of the country, let alone fish, so I’m guessing this will be another expensive boondoggle that costs taxpayers and will fail.

So, why aren’t we eating these things? Aren’t there starving people all over the world that wouldn’t mind having a tasty bony fish? Of course they would, but we won’t eat them here because they’re CARP! Apparently “we” don’t eat carp, even though the rest of the world does, so why aren’t we exporting these things and making some money from them? Apparently some fishermen have started doing that, and are making good money from it... that’s how we adapt you see... unlike the Liberal Darwin lemmings who think that we have to keep everything the way it is by shutting off water to farmers in California to save a little fish, or spend a gazillion to stop the natural progression of Asian Carp. It seems that those who believe in Darwin (natural selection, survival of the fittest) don’t believe that species can do that by themselves and need “man” to help them survive, missing the whole point entirely. But that’s a whole nother rant about the godless who believe themselves to be god, and for another time.

So, lets rename the stupid things to something tasty sounding... like River Kittens (PETA would approve of that), or better yet: Mississippi Filet. Come on, good marketing made the Talipia (a poop eating bottom feeder) into the haute cuisine of 2009, we can do the same for Asian Carp.